doesn’t it suck

a question for anyone who isn’t heterosexual, or who has ever fallen for someone that doesn’t fit the acceptable, cookie-cutter-perfect, social scale.

doesn’t it suck to be ‘crushing on’ someone ‘out of your league’ or who wouldn’t give you a chance? this is for the geeks who love jocks, (and vice versa) the boys who love boys, and the girls who love girls, all the ‘forbidden lovers’ out there.

you know that it’s pretty hopeless (or at least i do) but wishful thinking is always hazing my sight. say i lurvv zak (golden-boy, star athelete, classically cute, blonde… etc.), but at my place in the school’s social scale, it’s a fat chance he’ll reciprocate. also, he’s a total girl-o-phobe… (shy around the ladies) but he’s adorable. so i use him for example. i mean, our school’s tiny, so we’re bound to talk. and we do. but people, no matter how they deny it, (okay, most people) would NOT date someone ‘out of their league’ or not accepted by their cohorts/’friends’. 

no, i’m not jones-ing for this boy. though i wouldn’t mind him being around me more often. 😉 (i am such a slut. ha, ha, get it? me? slut? heh? heh? oh, never mind.)

or if you’re really unlucky (and unluckier if you’re young), you like a member of the OHMYGOD, IT’S THE GAYS!! same sex. and trust me, i have been in this boat. not fun. and not to be sexist, but in all examples, i will refer to my imaginary lover as a girl, since i am not a gay man or boy. sorry. point of view sucks sometimes, i bet.

so you hang out with her, you become friends with her, and for what? (well, more time to admire her (worth it)) to be let down, lest you’re REALLYREALLYREALLY (etc, etc) lucky (which, i’ll have you know, i am not), and you become lovers and run into the sunset together.

in which case, lucky you.

but i’m talking about the rest of us kids (yes, kids); you’re basically let down, and aside from the times you cheer her up when she loses a significant other, you just hear her talk about the flavour of the week, or watch her hang over some boy. on occasion, making a fool of herself (who can blame those in love..?), but that’s for another entry. and the worst part is the lovely, lovely, excruciating dialogue.

‘oh, you’re so great… if you were a guy i would so date you.’

‘why can’t guys be like you?’

‘you’re the best friend i could ever have.’

it’s lovely, really. i love compliments. but it hurts all the same. and the fact that it’s unintentional makes it sting a little more. but with some girls (now this is not from my experience as a crushing-on-you-BFF but as a regular friend) will say these things, then drop you for their boyfriend (and fcking avoid you entirely!), but when they fall apart, expect you to be around and support them and pick up the pieces. eck.

i could go on, but i’m tired and in the mood for some socializing. and we know this only occurs once in a lune bleu (love my bad french?), so i’ll get it out of my damn system.

here’s to heart-breakers!

‘she is the one that you never forget, she is the heaven-sent angel you met. oh, she must be the reason why god made a girl, she is so pretty all over the world.’ –groove coverage, ‘she’

movie reviews

oh damn these cookies are good.

sorry, had to get that out of the way. they’re quite addicting you know.

but onto my main subject;; movie reviews. i was looking online for a movie when i found some site that had movie reviews. i was like, ‘sure, whatever, maybe i’ll find something cool!’ uh, no.

turns out that it’s a radical christian movie review website. oh boy did i have a heyday with this one. and you’ll enjoy it, too. 🙂

 

here are some of the examples of:: WANTON VIOLENCE

-man carrying his murder victim (see, now i don’t see how that’s violence. it’s better than leaving said murder victim in the streets and making a nasty smell.

-severed hand grabbing a child (would it be any different if it was an adult? also, this seems more sexual than violent. i mean, unwanted touch, molestation. even if it’s only a hand. it ‘sends the wrong message.’)

-startle which caused screams in audience (unless these screams deafened someone to the point of one’s ears bleeding, this is not VIOLENT.)

-gambling (now how is this violent?)

-self stabbing in vagina with a metal crucifix (sorry, this one just made me snicker. i’m immature, i get it.)

 

and examples of HATE::

-assuming the perpetrators of mischief were children (and what if they were? would you NOT throw them in jail? or are children always innocent?)

-bully mischief (leaving out bullying is lying by omission. and i think that’s sin.)

-babysitter leaving two young kids in house alone asleep (uh. i guess this is bad, but how is it hateful?)

-teen tantrum (uh. angst? there’s a label on angst now? god, if my life was a movie…)

-massive tattoos (ink=hate?)

–flatulence (oh fck you. that’s fcking NATURAL. not hateful. lest i shove my ass in one’s face and fart there. god.)

-punk dress with facial piercing, repeatedly (dammit, and you wanted to EXCLUDE school bullying! okays. this is why children grow up rotten. they make looking different a ‘sin’ and pass it to their kids and their kids’ kids and so on and so forth. ag!)

-“Sometimes fantasy is better than reality” (so? it’s true! i thought we didn’t lie!)

-risking death for love (how is this hatred if it’s for love? love is good, right? go for your love, right? isn’t it a sin to just sit there and watch someone die? really?)

-punk music in startup background (shoot something. shoot something now. punk is not hate. well. maybe it is. but. music? music is beautiful. make some music yourself, then you can critique, lovers.)

-planting of porno subliminal imagery in kids films (heh. heh. shouldn’t this be under ‘sex’?)

-child snapping fingers at mother (…uhm. what if she was DANCING? i mean. snapping? wtf?)

-whispered three/four letter word, three times (WHAT THE FCK? this is SPONGEBOB. WHAT the FCK?)

-urination humor (that may be gross, but not hateful…)

 

and we can’t forget SEX::

-teens making out (didn’t you? ever? i mean. making out is making out. make out, not war? it’s not bad. it’s just FRIENDLY! :D)

-homosexual comment (‘oh, hon, the gays are watching out of our window again. i mean, we’re trying to have a nice, normal relationship. why can’t they stop stalking us?’ uh, would you get pissed over a heterosexual comment? or an asexual comment? (what would that be? ‘no, i don’t want to fck you, shirley, and that’s final’?))

-excessive cleavage

-homosexual insult (isn’t that under ‘hate’ and not ‘sexual immorality’? or are we being homophobic again?)

-lesbian touch (so if two lesbians touch each other, and it isn’t necessarily sexual…)

-massive tattoo on female privates (now i think we’re exaggerating. how big a tattoo can you fit down there?)

-below navel skin (feet=sin?)

-revealing swim wear (isn’t it all, though? (lest you are a scuba diver, but… scuba divers? in ‘a cinderella story’? ohplease.))

-suggestion of sadomasochism in transvestism (this was from a ‘spongebob’ review. seriously? spongebob?)

 

and DRUGS::

heh, none. HUGS NOT DRUGS!

 

and rock’n’roll… no. actually, OFFENSE TO GAWD::

-celebration of Halloween, repeatedly  (oh fck you. halloween is mischief night! TP? candy? does god not have fun anymore? or maybe (s)he’s just jealous of our holidays that (s)he didn’t bother to come up with)

-living screaming baby-looking plant roots (i thought they were cute…)

-levitation, repeatedly (didn’t jesus fly or walk on water or something? isn’t that some sort of levitation? …)

-christmas without jesus (is someone feeling excluded…?)

-“walking” on water (as i said earlier, DIDN’T A CERTAIN HOLY PERSON DO THIS ALSO?)

-evil-looking statue (but but but, what if there was an evil looking PERSON! i’m sure there was.)

-revelry (so now partying is wrong?)

 

last but certainly not least; MERRDERR!!! :0

-murder by squeezing head (uhm, not that bad, but it made me laugh. you gotta wonder how strong some of these people are.)

(seriously, murder is bad. murder is a good reason for a high rating. and uh. they weren’t too ridiculous here, but without it this would only by WHSDO. )

 

well there you have it. WHSDOM. actually, i think it’s supposed to be WISDOM, but i didn’t want to write ‘imudence’…

also, i’ll edit this later. probably.

–moi

holidays

sorry i haven’t been writing much (not that i have readers), but it’s the holiday haitus.

and laziness. that, too. i have some dental stuff to get done tomorrow, and so this is my last normal day. notreally.

i’ve spent the day missing jaxton (friend. not dating. just miss him) and his crazy ways. seeing as he’s one of the few people i know who knows that phone noises during a silence freak me out, that i love beanie babies, and that if a certain person says a certain thing, and i don’t expect it, i’m liable to faint.

and it’s a bit annoying when so few (one!) people know those things about me, and the little things that just set me off. even if people say that he’s a total asshole sometimes, i know people say the same about me.

or they call me a bitch or a slut or a hoochie mama or whatever. 🙂 but that’s that.

because it’s weird, if i just hang out with people like angie, who could care less about .me. and is just about having fun times and getting things done and blah.

or if i hang with people like lynn or dot, who worry only about themselves, so we spend all of our time with me theripizing them.

or even people like eve, who worry so much about me and notice little quirks about me so much, things that i don’t pay attention to, things that make people like me, and kind observations about me… it’s just that all she does is fuss over me. and me only. (or if i do something, god forbid, without her, she totally sulks in a corner for about ten hours. no exaggeration.)

but there are people like jaxton and hiral, who just make my day. they can say the right thing to make me happy, even if it’s indirect or not about me at all, they only worry about themselves when it’s actually necessary, and it’s the perfect mix of nonchalance and fun times (like with angie), and touchy-feely moments mixed with humour (partly eve) and wallowing in pity (very rarely!) (but still dot and lynn), and just themselves, making jokes but you know what they mean, and when they do something that irritate me and make me all sulky, they know why, or when i’m obviously filled with joy and am bursting to say something, even if they don’t really care, they sure seem like it.

i’m just moaning and whining about missing jaxton, and hiral, too.

jaxton being in jersey, but hopefully back in time for his birthday, and hiral being his usual isolated self during the holidays and breaks.

and of course i hang out with the girls, but they just make me think, ‘wow, i’m wasting my time with these people, who do nothing but abandon me the next time it’s convenient for them?’ and the of course i feel bad because these people are supposed to be my, uh, ‘friends’ even though they blatantly insult me and thoroughly lack any apology. the type that claim the right to be your ‘BFF’ when you do something ‘cool’, but then if it’s your birthday or something, they don’t even call to say happy birthday or even give a gift or a card. (i find it to be true that even if you’re lacking a party for your birthday, or don’t have a bat-mitzvah like a propahhhh jewish girl, doesn’t mean you can’t at least sent me a friendly email saying ‘happy birthday’.)

that was a bit longer/shorter than i intended…

au revoir, my lovelies…

(also, some person took up some of my valuable thinking time;; more on that next time, i suppose. so much time and so little to do!)

‘the two of us have made a special world, little girl. welcome to the dollhouse.’–daniel rey, ‘welcome to the dollhouse’ (from the movie)

intelligence, variables, and presents

ack. as a total loner by nature, people kind of avoid me; or used to. i had some huge breakthrough somewhere between sixth and seventh grade, and people magically adored me. sadly that isn’t my favourite thing in the world.

but all my life i’ve been known as the smart girl, the one who knows how to spell everything, the one who corrects the teacher, the one who wants to be an editor when she gets out of big, bad college (which i do, totally. but that is not the point).

but the problem with having an identity at an über-small school like mine is that you can’t lose it. there’s no upper-mobility, whatsoever. i’m the smart girl who everyone suddenly discovered was cool, but i’m still smart.

not that i don’t like being smart. hell, i love it. but the consequences/results of answering something ‘wrong’ or not knowing an answer are strange:

option one: superiority. ‘oh! .you. don’t know the answer? i feel so much smarter now. god, i thought you were so smart, but i guess not.’ the person feels far more intelligent than they actually are, even though they think that ‘chicken’ is an adverb that describes ‘eat’.

option two: pity. ‘oh, i’m sure it was just a mistake. it’s not your fault. nobody can be right all the time.’ best result of all. understanding, but almost to the point of my nauseation. better than snobbery, i suppose.

option three: you’re new to it. ‘please. you just learned this. how can you be right? i’m right. i’ve been doing it.’ not exactly something that happens when you’re wrong, but if you’re new to something, and someone thinks you’re wrong, they think your newbie-status means that you have no right to be and are not capable of being correct in anything you are new to. (haven’t they ever heard of being adaptable?)

option four: loss of ‘reputation’. ‘oh, i guess you aren’t that smart if you didn’t know .that. (they then continue to cling to your coattails the next day)…’ annoying and repetitive. one gets sick of this person’s multiple personalities, clinging to you when it’s convenient but jeering at you when you’re wrong. (cads.)

so of course i deal with that sort of thing. the ‘ha-ha you’re wrong i’m right i must be smarter than the ‘genius’ now!’ bullshit just gets annoying after about twenty times.

((–oh, that was lovely. i have to eat  dinner before eight p.m.. damn my not being hungry.–))

so there is that. and on the topic of intelligence, which sort of leads to education which leads to school which leads to algebra, which leads to variables which is a bit of my homework.

s, t, l, i, o, and certain other letters should never ever be used as variables. ‘S’ looks like a 5, ‘t’ looks like a plus sign (+), ‘l’ and ‘I’ can look like a 1, and ‘o’ or ‘O’ looks like a 0. they always leave me frazzled.

and last topic, i’m thinking about my holiday presents. a bit late to add something special for ten special people (exactly ten, i counted) but oh, well. i’m making some mix c.d.s for the people that don’t get on my nerves more than 75% of the time (except two or three people on the list, but that’s another story).

i’m making them for mateo, lashanda, amelia, topher, heather, angie, eve, hiral, jaxton, and colette.

for everyone else who i pretty much only hang out with because i’ve been friends with them for a while and information for ruining their lives is plentiful if i know them, (‘keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.’) i’m making them home-made hot chocolate and a milk-chocolate covered spoon coated lightly with candy cane bits. 🙂 of course, the people i like get that, too. and more (also the people who asked and who i told i would make them a c.d.).

that’s about it for now.

maybe i’ll tell you about some misfittings later this week.

only five and a half days until winter break! ❤ chorus preformance at our local mall tomorrow.

‘a true friend stabs you in the front.’ –oscar wilde